Arm Hairs

Arm hairs are assholes.

Ice Cream

I'm just not good at driving when my face is obscured by a spoon and half a cup of ice cream.

On IUDs.

Thank you tiny murder machine!

Bruno Mars and Formula 1

On the upcoming F1 race:

Me: Most vague sentence is "Bianchi has a 'good feeling' about Singapore."
Sass: Maybe he should talk to Bruno Mars. Sometimes Bruno Mars gets a good feeling...

Silence.

When the Cat Dies

Looks at the cat:
"I'll be sad when you die."

Then to me:
"That's the nicest thing I'll ever say about this cat."

Joke of the Day

Past, present, and future walked into a bar.
...
It was tense.


<laughs hysterically>

Guest Post: Happy Eats the Toilet Tissues

My brother lives in Taiwan. This is a story of his girlfriend's dog, Happy:

so he snuck upstairs and got into the soiled ass paper and spread it everywhere

8 mins

 i had to try with all my might not to cry with laughter until i passed out

about the dog eating the shit paper

2 mins

He licks his own ass. I wouldn't be worried about turd paper.

1 min

no, i mean it was like it went througha shitpaper shredder

all over the whole house

with a furious grinding fur ball in the middle of it all

1 min

hahahahahahaha

I'm crying. 

1 min

and panicking asian people running around trying to pick it up

but he is defending it with all his fury

and when he is furious, he is a wild, furious dog

truly a primitive breed

he is so fucking cool

when we got down there, he ignored lzyk and only wanted attention from me

like beggiging for any contact

he is like a child

Now

Strawberry Shortcake

I had a craving for strawberry shortcake earlier.
I feel like a pregnant bitch.

The Moat Monster

We tried to put a monster in our moat in 7th grade. It was a gold fish. It died over the weekend.

New Mount in Final Fantasy

#pwnies4life

On Xylophones

I prefer marimbas.