Arm Hairs

Arm hairs are assholes.

Ice Cream

I'm just not good at driving when my face is obscured by a spoon and half a cup of ice cream.

On IUDs.

Thank you tiny murder machine!

Bruno Mars and Formula 1

On the upcoming F1 race:

Me: Most vague sentence is "Bianchi has a 'good feeling' about Singapore."
Sass: Maybe he should talk to Bruno Mars. Sometimes Bruno Mars gets a good feeling...

Silence.

When the Cat Dies

Looks at the cat:
"I'll be sad when you die."

Then to me:
"That's the nicest thing I'll ever say about this cat."

Joke of the Day

Past, present, and future walked into a bar.
...
It was tense.


<laughs hysterically>

Guest Post: Happy Eats the Toilet Tissues

My brother lives in Taiwan. This is a story of his girlfriend's dog, Happy:

so he snuck upstairs and got into the soiled ass paper and spread it everywhere

8 mins

 i had to try with all my might not to cry with laughter until i passed out

about the dog eating the shit paper

2 mins

He licks his own ass. I wouldn't be worried about turd paper.

1 min

no, i mean it was like it went througha shitpaper shredder

all over the whole house

with a furious grinding fur ball in the middle of it all

1 min

hahahahahahaha

I'm crying. 

1 min

and panicking asian people running around trying to pick it up

but he is defending it with all his fury

and when he is furious, he is a wild, furious dog

truly a primitive breed

he is so fucking cool

when we got down there, he ignored lzyk and only wanted attention from me

like beggiging for any contact

he is like a child

Now

Strawberry Shortcake

I had a craving for strawberry shortcake earlier.
I feel like a pregnant bitch.

The Moat Monster

We tried to put a monster in our moat in 7th grade. It was a gold fish. It died over the weekend.

New Mount in Final Fantasy

#pwnies4life

On Xylophones

I prefer marimbas.

Update on 40 oz Beer

Then I had one and you know what they say... once you go black...

40 oz Beers

I always been uncomfortable buying a beer of that size. It makes me feel black.

Mass Effect 3

"Oh no! I have to do a puzzle?"
Me: You like puzzles...
"NO I DON'T. They're hard."

Fuck you English

"Apparently the plural form or barracks is...barrack. Fuck you English."

The Roommate #2

The Roommate has decided that the bathroom is a great place to hang out alone. I have to pee.

Haircut

S: "I just got a new haircut. I looks great."
Me: Picture!
S: "Oh, it looks exactly the same."

The Roommate

"Made the mistake of engaging the roommate in conversation."

Ignorant Comments

"Quote on a deer hunting video: 'If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.' I LOVE ignorant comments :D "

Shark Week

Roommate is black-ladying at the tv because...Shark Week.

Kuzko, Yzma and Kronk

You know the scene where Kuzco is sitting in Yzma's house wondering what the fuck she and kronk are talking about? That's how I feel right now.

Hair

It's soft and luxurious. You can pet it if you want to.